Mormonism Begs for Its Own Talk Shows -- Starring O'Pray, Bishop Rick and LeMontel Smoot


From the Salt Lake Tribune, Saturday, November 21, 1998

BY ROBERT KIRBY, SALT LAKE TRIBUNE COLUMNIST

As usual, Mormons are lagging behind the rest of the nation. America has already reached the point where talk-show guests are beating up each other on camera, and we Mormons don't have one decent talk show.

It would be easy. Mormons are already wired with a talk-show mentality. After all, it's just like a fast and testimony meeting, only with a host and a question-and-answer period at the end. Like a Sunday School class only with special guests who have extremely stupid problems.

Host/teacher: ``So what was it that shook your testimony?''

Male guest: ``She didn't wait for me while I was on my mission.''

Female guest: ``I waited. You just came home bald and pious. I said no way am I marrying that.''

Audience: Mixed applause, groans and amens.

The hardest part in putting together Mormon talk shows would have to be the attention span of the average Mormon audience. It's not too short -- it's way too long. We take great comfort in hearing the same thing over and over.

Shows that switch subjects too often, say more than once a season, risk intimidating and losing most of their Utah audience. On the other hand, there's certainly no dearth of shock subjects to appear on Mormon talk shows. There are Mormons who voted for Bill Clinton. Mormons with only one child. Mormons who pay tithing on their net income. Mormons who have seen an R-rated movie. Mormons who go to the University of Utah. The list of seamy stuff to gab about is endless.

With the LDS Church growing by leaps and bonds (sic), Mormon talk shows are inevitable. The time to plan them is now, before the rest of the talk shows return to a respectable format and we lose our market advantage. Here's a sampling of possible Mormon talk shows. Keep in mind that really meaningful subjects are taboo. You don't want to change people's lives for the better, you don't even necessarily want to make them feel good. The desired result is to make them mad enough to go home teaching with a gun. After all, this isn't about salvation, it's about ratings.

-- O'PRAY! -- Relief Society talk show to help women cope with the travails of the modern age. Top subjects would be child rearing in the '90s, getting by without the priesthood, and ``I had a career and a testimony.'' Shock gimmick: on-camera therapy for chronic recipe violators.

-- ELDER JONES -- Geared toward problems particular to the young Mormon male. Lots of potential subjects. Missions: to go or no. How much red is too much red in a necktie? Does praying for a transfer thwart God's plan? Don't miss the season premier, ``Wingtips in the Wilderness.'' Shock gimmick: Receiving a mission call live to Utah, Salt Lake City.

-- BISHOP RICK -- Why tell your darkest secrets to just one person? Why not tell them to Bishop Rick and the rest of the world? Hey, the ward is going to find out about them sooner or later anyway. Shock gimmick: Audience votes whether or not to disfellowship humiliated guest at end of show.

-- THE LEMONTEL SMOOT SHOW -- Mainstreaming extreme Mormon behavior. Potential king of the Mormon shock subjects. How to start your own church. On-camera introduction of polygamous wives to each other. Field-stripping the Scriptures. Season premiere: Manic in Manti. Shock gimmick: General authority assault weapon tips.

-- PAT & KIRBY SHOW -- Really weird Mormon stuff. Canceled by KBYU and KSL.

Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby lives in Springville. The self-described ``OxyMormon'' welcomes mail at P.O. Box 684, Springville, UT 84663, or e-mail at rkirby@sltrib.com.


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Page Modified September 22, 1998