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A ficticious humorous article - "LDS Church buys Olympic Games"
From the Salt Lake City Weekly, April 22, 1999
by D.P. Sorensen
The new $8 million pedestrian mall is just a dry run.
April 22, 1999
City Weekly has just learned that the LDS church is negotiating with the IOC to buy the 2002 Winter Games.
"We've made them an offer they can't refuse," said church spokesman Elder Merle J. Pratt.
Several Olympic officials declined comment, but informal discussions with SLOC president Mitt Romney confirm
that the sale is imminent. "We're thrilled that the church has stepped in," Romney said. "The Feds were about to
take away our tax-exempt status, and I was taking a lot of heat about cutting the budget and eliminating perks for
Olympic royalty. The voluptuous IOC vice president Anita DeFrantz was really steamed about losing her pizza
and ice-cream allowance.
"We were on the verge of calling the Games off," said Romney, who had just returned from selling Olympic candy
bars door-to-door. "I've been doing my darndest to raise $300 million, but there are only so many hours in the day
to give facials, body wraps and pedicures in exchange for Olympic donations. My doctor told me my service gland
was just about to burst."
Just last week the Salt Lake City Council voted to sell Main Street between Temple Square and the LDS
administrative facilities to the Mormons. The area, to be called "The Mall of Moroni," will provide the church
with a trial run for the 2002 Olympics.
"The $8 million we paid the city is chump change," says church spokesman Pratt. "But it will give us the chance
to work out any bugs in preparation for the big event." The thoroughfare will be open to gentiles as long as they
behave themselves, Pratt said. "We've already laid out doctrines and covenants for the use of the Mall of Moroni.
You can't engage in offensive, indecent, obscene, vulgar, lewd or disorderly speech, dress or conduct. No smoking,
no tattoos, no sunbathing, no pierced body parts. We will organize Relief Society matrons into decency patrols to
ensure that standards are maintained. They will also frisk suspicious-looking gentiles at the entrance to the mall to
confiscate nipple rings."
Church documents reveal that the General Authorities wanted to call the new two-block complex linked by the
Mall of Moroni "The Happiest Place on Earth" until attorneys discovered that this phrase had already been
appropriated by the folks at Disney. But the church does plan on employing mascots dressed as Nephites to
welcome guests. The mascots will also be able to keep an eye on tourists from Scandinavia who may be tempted to
go skinny-dipping in the mall's giant reflecting pool.
Sketches of the complex depict strategically located baptismal fonts that will double as Jacuzzis during the
summer months. Still under consideration is a plan to convert the Tabernacle, which will be obsolete once the new
Assembly Hall is completed, into a ride called Celestial Mountain.
"And there will be something to amuse the kids," says spokesman Pratt. "The labyrinth of tunnels beneath
Temple Square would be perfect for something like the Pirates of the Caribbean. Except we want to make it
relevant to our culture, so we'll call it Lamanites of Pioneer Park."
Plans for the 2002 Games of Latter-day Saints are still very tentative, Elder Romney says, though he admits
principles of decency outlined for the Mall of Moroni will no doubt apply to the Mormon Games. "One of the first
things that came up in discussions with the General Authorities was the immodest attire of the female ice-skaters.
One of the brethren told me he had a hard time concentrating on the double salchows and triple lutzes with the
girl skaters' asses showing. Another apostle wants to eliminate the pairs' ice-skating event and replace it with the
Missionary Companion Pairs' Ice Dancing."
Elder Romney explained that His Excellency Juan Antonio Samaranch has expressed the hope that the Mormon
church will take over the entire Olympic Movement. "Church scholars have convinced Brother Samaranch that
the Olympic Games did not originate in ancient Greece. There is conclusive proof in the Book of Mormon that the
Olympics were invented by the Nephites during the reign of King Mosiah, who, according to genealogical records,
is an ancestor of Brother Samaranch."
Page Modified April 24, 1999